Truth Be Told
Dear friend,
The moon was full yesterday at 19:46 MT, or 02:46 GMT this morning. So beautiful to wake up to that very large orb hanging in the southwest sky. The Sun in Aries means the moon is full in Libra, in this case in gate 50, while the Sun in gate 3 is the subject for the next I Ching Wednesday morning teleseminar.
Mercury is still retrograding, as it has been all month, turning direct April 23 in the gate 21, which means for me, it's a natal return to my retrograde Mercury in the 21. This is an interesting moment for me when I give up the assumption that I am supposed to be faithful to my obligations which I have been for many years.
At this juncture, I cannot offset the greed that plagues many businesses around the world. I can't keep up, though until February of this year, I managed with a resourcefulness that impressed everyone. I never worried about myself, as I felt that I was given a mandate to start over again with the revelation and rescue it from the ill-conceived, one-way; the only way bias that is the dominant form of Human Design on the planet.
I knew it didn't work after five full-time devotional years, and like others who realized the truth that it was just a great con job, there was almost nothing to be accomplished by having this understanding, so while I was this lone voice in the wilderness, I completely trusted that it was essential that I complete this job.
For years, I promised Chaitanyo reward for his stellar graphic work to complete the course manual, and then when I managed to record the 42 screencasts that comprise the Course in Human Design 2.1 and had some students, it still didn't support me or in any way create an income stream that supported anyone else either.
Now is the moment of reckoning. My very cool house with 320° views of the horizon, mountains framing the vista, lets go of me. There's no money for mortgage payments, so while I agree with the theory that this death pledge I shall pay, and the property tax, gee, sorry. I can't.
At an earlier point in my life, this would have been an incredibly stressful, guilt-ridden emotional roller coaster, but not now. I cannot control how people perceive me or my work. It's not up to me, and so here's a waiting game. I'm not a To Do person. This is simply a condition that millions of people around the world are facing. Why take it personally?
I don't default with intention to harm. I do my best and am honest. How can I possibly begrudge the failure of my business? It is what it is. What is truly spectacular is seeing the enormous love and support I get from my friends. It is such a blessing to be seen by them. So generous and caring that I have the help needed to get by.
Someone read a message I sent out that I will stop my Human Design business by the end of 2012. She asked do I really mean it? Truth be told, I hope I can finish what I now try to do, but I don't know what the future holds.
I hope I get the I Ching of Human Design together. That's the last piece of the structural framework anyone needs to integrate design. But here's a bit more of my story.
I can only type a few hours before my left hand doesn't articulate well enough. My body is failing and while I think it's important to stay open to healing, I also don't know what the future will bring. I have three autoimmune disorders that have sort of stabilized with diet, exercise and supplements, but I still walk with the security and help from a walker.
My brain is aided by neurofeedback, so thank god I can maybe learn enough to manage doing the free teleseminars. My mother died of early onset alzheimers, and while I imagine myself upright and dancing into my eighties, I no longer count on my ability to determine my outcome.
The goal in my life is enlightenment and the goal of my work is to help people understand their resistance to what life brings is the error.
I still have a few pieces left to accomplish.
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